Tuesday, February 03, 2009
i predict 2008
For the first time since I quit writing for the Harlan Daily I decided to go back and reread some columns. It wasn't as painful in hindsight as I thought it would be.
I found one column, written at the end of 2007, where I made a bunch of predictions about 2008. There's a really bone-headed section where I somehow missed the fact that just because we were going to have an election in 2008, the Presidency wouldn't actually change hands until 2009. What can I say? Coherent thought has never been my thing.
At any rate, I invite you to read back over this column and count the predictions I got right. Here's a clue: Not many.
Here are my predictions for 2008:
The US housing market will continue to plummet until all current homeowners are forced out of their properties and into apartment buildings. This will spur some scientest to finally look into why the hallways of apartment buildings always smell like ethnic food.
Britney Spears' brother Brian will reveal that he's pregnant.
Britney Spears herself will be rushed to the hospital after a near chocking incident caused by trying to eat an orange pool float she thought was a giant Cheeto.
Two days into our marriage my current fiance/future wife will wake up screaming after realizing in a dream what a terrible mistake she's made. It will be too late.
The writer's strike in Hollywood will continue but Jay Leno's monologue will return to late night television when producers realize that the chimpanzee who writes it isn't actually a member of the writer's guild.
After stepping down from the Presidency, George Bush will retire from public life and write his memoirs. A printing mishap will result in the cover of his book being put on a Curious George children's book. No one will notice the error, including George Bush himself. Instead he'll pine wistfully away for the day he flew over the city holding a bunch of helium balloons and wonder whatever happed to the man in yellow.
A new President will take office and whether it's a Democrat or a Republican one group of pundits will love him/her no matter what he/she does and another group will hate him/her no matter what he/she does. Names will be called, excuses will be made, I'll still pay too many taxes, and politicians will make more money than soldiers. Despite my ferverent suggestion, American politics will not go screw itself.
Stem cell research will make huge leaps forward as Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers collaborates with scientest to create the world's first iFetus. This completely artificial life-form will put an end to all controversial harvesting techniques, allowing scientest and researchers to finally harness the power of human stem cells. And it'll play mp3's.
Lindsay Lohan will return to rehab but leave again once she finds the earring she lost.
I will punch a horse. The horse will have it coming.
There will be famine, war, and pestilence. But there will also be Oreos, so it kind of evens out.
Someone you know will buy a hybrid vehicle. For some reason this will fill you with the unexplicable sense that they think they're better than you. You won't have long to ponder these feelings, though, because you have to go to the bank and take out a second mortgage on your home to pay for fill ups.
Killer Bees!
In an attempt to become more carbon neutral I will stop using my combustion engine powered toaster.
Sex!
HD DVD will emerge as the preferred high definition movie format, beating out Blue Ray and pounding the last nail in the coffin of my long hoped for Beta Max revival.
Dolphins will win the right to vote, but it will turn out that they're all Libertarians and the effect on American elections will be minimal at best.
Humanity will finally evolve to the point that every one of us finally realizes that every other human being on the planet is a person with hopes, dreams, and fears just like them and will then start acting accordingly. Then, right before we, as a unified people, really start to make a difference in the world, some idiot blows the whole planet up.
The End.
I found one column, written at the end of 2007, where I made a bunch of predictions about 2008. There's a really bone-headed section where I somehow missed the fact that just because we were going to have an election in 2008, the Presidency wouldn't actually change hands until 2009. What can I say? Coherent thought has never been my thing.
At any rate, I invite you to read back over this column and count the predictions I got right. Here's a clue: Not many.
Here are my predictions for 2008:
The US housing market will continue to plummet until all current homeowners are forced out of their properties and into apartment buildings. This will spur some scientest to finally look into why the hallways of apartment buildings always smell like ethnic food.
Britney Spears' brother Brian will reveal that he's pregnant.
Britney Spears herself will be rushed to the hospital after a near chocking incident caused by trying to eat an orange pool float she thought was a giant Cheeto.
Two days into our marriage my current fiance/future wife will wake up screaming after realizing in a dream what a terrible mistake she's made. It will be too late.
The writer's strike in Hollywood will continue but Jay Leno's monologue will return to late night television when producers realize that the chimpanzee who writes it isn't actually a member of the writer's guild.
After stepping down from the Presidency, George Bush will retire from public life and write his memoirs. A printing mishap will result in the cover of his book being put on a Curious George children's book. No one will notice the error, including George Bush himself. Instead he'll pine wistfully away for the day he flew over the city holding a bunch of helium balloons and wonder whatever happed to the man in yellow.
A new President will take office and whether it's a Democrat or a Republican one group of pundits will love him/her no matter what he/she does and another group will hate him/her no matter what he/she does. Names will be called, excuses will be made, I'll still pay too many taxes, and politicians will make more money than soldiers. Despite my ferverent suggestion, American politics will not go screw itself.
Stem cell research will make huge leaps forward as Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers collaborates with scientest to create the world's first iFetus. This completely artificial life-form will put an end to all controversial harvesting techniques, allowing scientest and researchers to finally harness the power of human stem cells. And it'll play mp3's.
Lindsay Lohan will return to rehab but leave again once she finds the earring she lost.
I will punch a horse. The horse will have it coming.
There will be famine, war, and pestilence. But there will also be Oreos, so it kind of evens out.
Someone you know will buy a hybrid vehicle. For some reason this will fill you with the unexplicable sense that they think they're better than you. You won't have long to ponder these feelings, though, because you have to go to the bank and take out a second mortgage on your home to pay for fill ups.
Killer Bees!
In an attempt to become more carbon neutral I will stop using my combustion engine powered toaster.
Sex!
HD DVD will emerge as the preferred high definition movie format, beating out Blue Ray and pounding the last nail in the coffin of my long hoped for Beta Max revival.
Dolphins will win the right to vote, but it will turn out that they're all Libertarians and the effect on American elections will be minimal at best.
Humanity will finally evolve to the point that every one of us finally realizes that every other human being on the planet is a person with hopes, dreams, and fears just like them and will then start acting accordingly. Then, right before we, as a unified people, really start to make a difference in the world, some idiot blows the whole planet up.
The End.
Labels: column
Monday, May 19, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about the greatest achievement of my life. One more to go!
Labels: column
Monday, May 12, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about the Connies.
And the countdown continues. Two more columns after this one, then it's goodbye to the glamorous life of a paid writer! Borrow money from me while you still can!
And the countdown continues. Two more columns after this one, then it's goodbye to the glamorous life of a paid writer! Borrow money from me while you still can!
Labels: column
Monday, May 05, 2008
column - and an announcement
New column up at the Harlan Daily - it's about my rules for throwing a good party.
Also, May is my last month writing for the Harlan Daily Enterprise.
I've been writing Patchwork since November of 2004. I've felt like over the past year or more my writing has been experiencing a dip in quality. The columns don't come as easily. When they do come they seem, to me, as if they're lacking something. I've decided it's better to get off the stage now, voluntarily, while a few people might still be enjoying what I do - instead of dragging it out and using up any good will I might have accumulated.
My own misgivings aren't the only issue here. My life is about to change pretty drastically. I'm getting married in July, as most of you know. I've also been navigating a possible career change for some time now, and as that begins to look more and more likely, I'm seeing myself with less and less time for the column.
So, after this one, there are three more. My contact at the paper asked me to address my departure in my column - so I'll go into a little more detail about my decision and probably get a little sappy in a few weeks, in print.
Just thought my regular readers here might want to know.
Also, May is my last month writing for the Harlan Daily Enterprise.
I've been writing Patchwork since November of 2004. I've felt like over the past year or more my writing has been experiencing a dip in quality. The columns don't come as easily. When they do come they seem, to me, as if they're lacking something. I've decided it's better to get off the stage now, voluntarily, while a few people might still be enjoying what I do - instead of dragging it out and using up any good will I might have accumulated.
My own misgivings aren't the only issue here. My life is about to change pretty drastically. I'm getting married in July, as most of you know. I've also been navigating a possible career change for some time now, and as that begins to look more and more likely, I'm seeing myself with less and less time for the column.
So, after this one, there are three more. My contact at the paper asked me to address my departure in my column - so I'll go into a little more detail about my decision and probably get a little sappy in a few weeks, in print.
Just thought my regular readers here might want to know.
Monday, April 28, 2008
column
Friday, April 18, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's a Larry King-style news and views piece because my brain is tiny and couldn't fit one complete topic inside.
Labels: column
Thursday, April 10, 2008
column
Monday, March 24, 2008
column
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about my new adventures with an eating plan. Ugh.
Labels: column
Monday, March 10, 2008
column
Monday, March 03, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about why Cosmo, and other magazines of it's ilk, all suck. Yes, I said "ilk."
Labels: column
Monday, February 18, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about Fridays. It's actually a companion piece to this column from my first year writing for the Harlan Daily.
Labels: column
Monday, February 11, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about erogenous zones, getting choked up over dogs, and the benefits of pain. Or what Dirty calls, "Friday nights."
Labels: column
Monday, February 04, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about traveling back in time and giving your younger self advice.
Labels: column
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
column
Monday, January 07, 2008
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It consist of my predictions for 2008 and at least one stupid grammar error towards the end. Also, my title for the article was "I predict 2008" paying slight homage to the old Steve Taylor album, "I predict 1990." Someone at the paper chooses the headlines that see print based on some unknown criteria that obviously doesn't include obscure Christian music albums from the 90's.
Labels: column
Monday, December 17, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about a new holiday I'm inventing. Also, in this one I used the word s-e-x multiple times. SCANDALOUS!
Labels: column
Thursday, December 06, 2007
column
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
column
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. I pitch some ideas for reality tv shows to help out during the writer's strike.
Labels: column
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
column
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's tips for Trick or Treating next year. This is the last thing I'll write about Halloween until next year. Promise.
Monday, October 29, 2007
column
Thursday, October 25, 2007
column/thirteen days of halloween continues
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's a retelling of the Bunnyman Bridge legend.
Monday, October 15, 2007
column
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about my recent trips to Chicago and Virginia. And there's a little moping about the current political climate at the end.
Also, I think I got the "greater than" symbol in the math equation about Sara and two nerds wrong, which is pretty embarrassing.
Also, I think I got the "greater than" symbol in the math equation about Sara and two nerds wrong, which is pretty embarrassing.
Labels: column
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about the best haunted house I ever put together.
Labels: column
Monday, September 24, 2007
column
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about entropy. I ended the first draft on a fairly depressing note. When you read it, imagine I stopped at the sentence, "This cheery thought has been brought to you today by the letter M and the number 7." Once I took a second pass at it I decided I didn't want to end there. I decided the column needed a little hope, because frankly there's plenty to be depressed about in the world without me adding to it. In the words of two brothers, I'm here to "cheer the sad."
ps. The end owes a lot to a talk No Nick Name Fred gave recently. Once he's actually gone I'll be able to rip off his old ideas a lot easier.
ps. The end owes a lot to a talk No Nick Name Fred gave recently. Once he's actually gone I'll be able to rip off his old ideas a lot easier.
Labels: column
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's a Larry King News and Views style piece made up of random topics. It totally felt like a filler piece as I was writing it, but I've already gotten two compliments from the good citizens of Harlan. Time to stop trusting my instincts.
Labels: column
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about battle with the burger. There's a terrible grammatical error pretty close to the beginning. I need to proofread better.
Monday, August 27, 2007
column
Monday, August 20, 2007
column
This week's column, over at the Harlan Daily, is a reprint from earlier in the year because, frankly, I didn't have one in me come last Thursday. Last week's column, which came out during my self-imposed blackout is here and is all about throwing stuff away.
Labels: column
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about the benefits of paying a professional to do a job.
Labels: column
Monday, July 23, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about those WWJD bracelets that everybody used to wear.
Some of you were involved in an email discussion that sought to answer the really stupid question, "Would Jesus go to an R rated movie." This column used that thread as inspiration. Ultimately I didn't end up using much from the email thread, but a couple of you might recognize your little gems of wisdom that I totally ripped off and used as my own. Also, I've decided the space limitations of my columns combined with my inability to wrap things up concisely enough combine to make for some of the tritest sounding endings ever.
Some of you were involved in an email discussion that sought to answer the really stupid question, "Would Jesus go to an R rated movie." This column used that thread as inspiration. Ultimately I didn't end up using much from the email thread, but a couple of you might recognize your little gems of wisdom that I totally ripped off and used as my own. Also, I've decided the space limitations of my columns combined with my inability to wrap things up concisely enough combine to make for some of the tritest sounding endings ever.
Labels: column
Monday, July 16, 2007
column
Friday, July 13, 2007
letter to the editor
Soooo the Harlan Daily is running a letter from one of their readers in which it is suggested that I need to re-examine my my relationship with Christ.
The gentleman who wrote the letter actually sent me a copy via email as well that sparked a very polite email conversation that allowed me to ask a few questions as to what he was referring to in his letter exactly. As it turns out he feels that as a Christian I shouldn't be going to some of the movies I go to, watching the television shows I watch, or listening to the music I listen to.
Like I said it was a very polite conversation and I actually appreciate his concern even if I don't agree with his points.
Anyway, here's a link to the letter. Feel free to discuss it in the comment section, but please don't insult this guy personally if you disagree with him. It's a small internet and I don't want this guy stumbling upon this place and feeling attacked. Save your ire for someone who deserves it. Like the Colonel.
The gentleman who wrote the letter actually sent me a copy via email as well that sparked a very polite email conversation that allowed me to ask a few questions as to what he was referring to in his letter exactly. As it turns out he feels that as a Christian I shouldn't be going to some of the movies I go to, watching the television shows I watch, or listening to the music I listen to.
Like I said it was a very polite conversation and I actually appreciate his concern even if I don't agree with his points.
Anyway, here's a link to the letter. Feel free to discuss it in the comment section, but please don't insult this guy personally if you disagree with him. It's a small internet and I don't want this guy stumbling upon this place and feeling attacked. Save your ire for someone who deserves it. Like the Colonel.
Labels: column
Monday, July 09, 2007
column
Monday, July 02, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about why I keep picturing God as an older black man.
Labels: column
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about nerds. They seemed to have skipped over the "gay" internet column altogether. I swear I had nothing to do with that.
Labels: column
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
fan mail
Every once in a while I get an email from a reader concerning my column. Usually it's someone pointing out something we have in common or telling me they appreciated something I wrote. Up until last night my favorite email was from a lady who told me maybe I shouldn't be speaking at churches since I can have a foul mouth sometimes.
That email has been usurped, though.
The Harlan website hasn't posted this week's column on their website yet, so I can't link to it - but it was all about this time my ex-wife and I were vacationing in California and we took the opportunity to meet up with an internet comic book nerd buddy of mine face to face for the first time. I thought it was a nice, heart-warming story about how people are people regardless of the situations surrounding how we meet them.
One of my Harlan readers, however, got something completely different from the column. Here's an excerpt from their email to me:
Sara was with me when I opened the email. I let her read it and then we went back and read the column in question. Of course now, reading the column, it was just like when a friend points out some girl has a weird nose and after that you can't look at her without noticing. When we read the column it sounded totally gay. Sara was on the floor laughing and gasping for breath.
Once the Harlan website posts the column I'll link to it as always. Then I'll stand back and let you all take your shots and get your jokes in. Then we'll tuck it into the back of our brains and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
That email has been usurped, though.
The Harlan website hasn't posted this week's column on their website yet, so I can't link to it - but it was all about this time my ex-wife and I were vacationing in California and we took the opportunity to meet up with an internet comic book nerd buddy of mine face to face for the first time. I thought it was a nice, heart-warming story about how people are people regardless of the situations surrounding how we meet them.
One of my Harlan readers, however, got something completely different from the column. Here's an excerpt from their email to me:
...sure you had to clean it up a bit, and you had to say that your wife was there, but it was still one of the finest pieces of gay erotica I've ever seen
printed in a mainstream paper.
Sara was with me when I opened the email. I let her read it and then we went back and read the column in question. Of course now, reading the column, it was just like when a friend points out some girl has a weird nose and after that you can't look at her without noticing. When we read the column it sounded totally gay. Sara was on the floor laughing and gasping for breath.
Once the Harlan website posts the column I'll link to it as always. Then I'll stand back and let you all take your shots and get your jokes in. Then we'll tuck it into the back of our brains and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
Labels: column
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's sappy and stupid and implies that I peek into your windows at night. There's also a couple of mistakes. One, I couldn't remember what god-forsaken foreign country BP was in last week, and didn't have time to look it up, so I'm pretty sure I got that wrong. Also, the first draft of the column mentioned blog-semi-regular Matteo living with his family in a house in the woods only accessible by pack mule, but somehow it got dropped from the final version (I say somehow because I don't remember leaving it out - but apparently I did). Sorry guys. There's also a spot a couple of sentences in where I say "exactly" twice in one sentence. Also, one time where I was supposed to say "rare" I said "medium rare." I'm an idiot. How do I still have this job?
Labels: column
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about cooking - and features a recipe from Patch & Sara cook. Some might accuse me of using the recipe as filler because I was in a time crunch. Those people should shut their dirty mouths.
Labels: column
Monday, May 28, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about hoping for a bigger, stranger world. This is one of those instances where I preferred my original title: "The Deerman Cometh."
Labels: column
Monday, May 21, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily - in which I play a game I made up called, "When I was born."
Labels: column
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
column
New column up at the Harlan Daily. It's about the difference between Charles Bukowski and some kid I know.
Labels: column
